Sometimes I just want to scream. Literally. Why does my growing seem to entail hurting some people more? Why are they only willing to see growth when it comes in certain areas? Why do they not see my changing as growth when it means more conflict with them?
I know the answer…the answer is sin. I would just like to go on the record as saying that sin sucks. It just does. Sucks the big one, as we used to say in Jr. High or High School or whenever it was. Sometimes I feel like all of my interactions are poisoned because of my and other’s sin. Some days, I’d rather drink arsenic. Not that I want to die, but it’s a much more direct and obvious way of killing yourself and, since I feel like I’m doing just that anyway, I’d rather drink arsenic (do you drink arsenic or do you eat it…some mystery writer I would be). Sin is so devious, so twisted…it’s like a fog, sometimes, that won’t let me see things in any sort of perspective, and I end up walking off the edge of the cliff without ever knowing I left solid ground. Then I’m suddenly falling, and I don’t know why. And I don’t even know if it’s my sin or someone else’s. Like I said, if I’m going to die, I’d rather drink arsenic and have it over with.
Why do I feel so unfree in my family? Chained? Boxed in? I’m sick of expectations. The more free I feel like I am, the more I run into other’s expectations. And I don’t know how to avoid that. Am I supposed to not care? But I DO care…I care when people are hurting and I don’t want them too…but I’m no longer as willing to eat dirt so that they don’t. I have expectations, too, and no one seems to care about those. Mine are unreasonable. Theirs are totally reasonable. Of course, and I’m just supposed to go along with this. Uh-huh, yeah. Watch me. Bite me.
Is one supposed to say that to one’s family? I don’t know, but it’s cathartic. Bite me, bite me, bite me!!!