Easter is strange this year. I mean, it’s still good and all, but I’m not feeling it like I have before (which has never been enough–I’ve always wanted to feel it more–you know, feel bad for my sins, feel grateful to Jesus for dying, and feel all the love and triumph of his resurrection). It’s weird, because I particularly asked him to help me feel it this year. But, having asked that, and having felt less, I somehow think that that’s where I should be. Not that there aren’t those nagging questions in the back of my mind–Is it me? Did I do something wrong? What if I just tried harder?–but they don’t seem real. That’s actually something that’s been particularly cool lately–I feel like the nagging questions are becoming less and less the real me, and what I really feel, or want, or need, is coming out. Like…well, this is a long-ish story, so I’ll give it its own paragraph.
I always have doubts about my salvation–I always have, and maybe I always will, though I (obviously) would hope not. Someone once said that, as long as you’re concerned about it, you’re fine, because you’re caring about the right things. Last semester, a prof. of mine added to that. He said that you have to be caring about those things for the right reasons, as in, not wanting to be saved just to avoid hell, but because you really want to worship God, or honor him, etc. And I got worried, because when I’m concerned about these things, what always comes out is that I really don’t want to spend my life thinking that I’m going to heaven and end up in hell. But lately, though that’s still something that’s present in my mind, it’s like that’s not quite as real, or not quite as central, as some of the spontaneous thoughts I have about wanting to honor God and glorify him. So I still have the thoughts, but it’s almost like I can call them out, and see that they’re not all they’re cracked up to be.
So anyway, that’s what seems to have happened to Easter. Maybe it’s just because I want to prove that people can SO to through a Dark Night of the Senses before age 30. Or maybe because it’s really happening. Or maybe, as I become more steadily with God, he’s becoming more steadily with me, with less Grover-like running into relationship and then out again. I’m not quite sure what happened. I do know that God not giving me all that I want because I want it feels good somehow.