Being me

I read a friend’s blog today, and she listed a whole bunch of things that she had done this week or that had happened to her that made her distinctly her. And for a while, I despaired, not because I was not her, but because I couldn’t think of anything I’d done that made me me. And then I realied that that wasn’t true.

-I treasured things in my heart this week. So much happened, so much that had emotional significance to me, and I treasured it all, even the hard stuff. But I treasured the joy, too, that inexpressible God-feeling that I don’t think I could possibly achieve without him.

-I poured time and energy into some girls I’m working with. I love working with people younger than me and trying to give them or provide situations where they get from God what I wanted at their age but did not have.

-I found joy in the midst of pain, and in spite of the pain. I found joy that I wouldn’t have had without the pain, and joy that I could never have found myself. Not that I’m the only one I know who does this. But I do seem to have a knack for finding these things, and for just letting them all be what they are.

-I cared for Cummings and delighted in him. I know, he’s a turtle. But God is (still) so present for me there, even though Cums is growing and changing and becoming much less needy 😉

-I learned to cling, just a little bit more, to God-in-me. This is something I’m not yet sure that I’m good at, but I include it here in faith that the one who told me this was one of my gifts was right.

-I sat outside and took in all I could from the (pathetically small) little bit of nature in my backyard. I heard the birds, felt the breeze, was caressed by the sun on my face.

-I watched the clouds, their patterns, the delightful way the light shines through and around them, and I knew that they were there for me (no matter what else they were there for, they were also there for me).

-I started my Christmas list.

-I put a Teresa of Avila quotation up as the wallpaper on my computer. And then changed the rest of my theme so that it didn’t look so blasted white.

-I journaled fairly copiously, particularly given the amount of writing that I did outside of that. And, I journaled usefully.

-I ate Dijon mustard on my sandwich and drank (almost) black coffee. These are two things that I like since my retreat that I didn’t like before it.

I’m sure there’s more. But that’s what I find when I search my heart right now.


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