Second things

In my mind, this is actually first. But I knew that I would forget about the other if I didn’t post it first.

I’m afraid. I realized today and yesterday just how much fear there is in my life. I have known for a long time that I tend to be afraid. And the truth is, both my reality testing and my self-talk are pretty good, so most of the time I don’t look or act afraid. I feel it, but I don’t look like I choose it. I am, however, still afraid.

I realized today just how many things I have not pursued because I am afraid, or how many safe opportunities I have jumped into, at least in part because I fear the alternatives. Most of these decisions have not been based just on my desire for safety or my fear, and I have had, at least for some of them, good reasons for choosing what I chose outside of fear. Nonetheless, I have been afraid.

The thing is, I can’t get rid of my fear. I can tame it, I can act in such a way that I confront my fears or don’t give in to them, but I still feel afraid. Only God can take my fear away in any real way. So pray for me, if you get this, that I would learn to not fear. And pray that, as I confront graduation and my future, I would choose based on calling, gifting, and God, not based on fear.

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