50 Steps to Perfect Mojo Pork (or, Girls Like Lighter Fluid, Too)

1. Thaw pork.

2. Check email. Blog.

3. Set pork to thaw some more because blogging is not finished.

4. Blog.

5. Retrieve exceedingly-thawed pork from microwave.

6. Blend marinade. Realize that chipotle peppers in adobo sauce are hotter than you had thought. Wonder vaguely if the roommates will eat it.

7. Pour marinade over pork. Shake.

8. Realize that mojo pork is supposed to be grilled. As in, on a grill.

9. Remember the last time you tried to grill something. Remember eventually cooking the steaks in the oven.

10. Decide to try new grill that fabulous boyfriend gave you.

11. Call roommate (Jill) to ask how to start a charcoal briquet fire. Listen carefully.

12. Go outside. Remove grill lid. Hang from side of grill on nifty grill-lid hanger.

13. Contemplate inside of grill. Contemplate charcoal.

14. Call Jill again to ask where the charcoal goes (on the bottom of the grill or on the bottom grill).

15. Place charcoal in pile on the bottom grill. Wonder if it’s bad that some of the charcoal is so wet it’s disintegrating in your hand. Shrug. Douse thoroughly with lighter fluid. Light.

16. Enjoy flames. Watch them burn out entirely.

17. Repeat 15-16 2-3 times. Almost singe hair off arm in close call with lighter fluid. At some point, decide that this might make for an amusing blog entry. Wonder how hard boyfriend is going to laugh. Wonder if roommates really want to know what you do to get them dinner. Decide that there has got to be someone out there who will find your travails funny.

18. Remember that newspaper burns well.

19. Organize this weeks’ grocery ads so you can use last weeks’ to light the grill.

20. Watch fire go out again.

21. Scatter charcoal.

22. Ball up newspaper. Douse with lighter fluid. Pile coals on top of doused newspaper. Douse coals.

23. Light match. Step back several feet. Throw match into doused mass.

24. Watch match fall short of doused mass. Wonder vaguely if you should rescue it or just wait.

25. Rescue match. Throw it into doused mass.

26. Enjoy 3-4 foot tall flames.

27. Watch flames almost go out.

28. Douse mass with lighter fluid.

29. Repeat 36-28.

30. Have roommate remind you that too much lighter fluid makes the meat taste like lighter fluid. Realise that chipotle peppers in adobo sauce might be a good thing.

31. Put lid on grill.

32. Watch grill smoke.

33. Ask roommate if grill is supposed to smoke.

34. Check smoking grill.

35. Ask roommate if charcoal is supposed to flame. Wince at astonished look on roommate’s face when she realises you really don’t know the answer.

36. Go on short walk so you don’t put out the charcoal by checking it too often. While on walk, compose parts of amusing blog entry in your head. Dance to country music. Walk like you have a major attitude. Wonder who is watching you.

37. Return home. Check coals. Rejoice that they are still lit.

38. Move coals around so they all can share the joy of being lit. Burn fingers. Remember that there are tongs inside the house. Get tongs. Realise that the entire process would have been much easier with tongs. Finish moving coals.

39. Ask roommate if all of every coal is supposed to turn grey. Pat self on back when experienced roommate’s answers mirror your own.

40. Blog about adventures in cooking so you don’t put out the coals by messing too much with them.

41. Check coals.

42. Blog some more because coals are doing just fine by themselves.

43. Realize that you reek of smoke. And lighter fluid.

44. Spread coals around. Wonder if a drip pan is really necessary. Decide that it is. Find something that will work and jostle coals around until it fits.

45. Put pork on grill.

46. Realise that pork comes in really thick pieces.

47. Pray that pork cooks.

48. Cook pork for 50 minutes (according to recipe).

49. Decide by fiat that pork is done, because it’s impossible to tell with pork anyway.

50. Eat. Enjoy. Burn entire layer of skin inside mouth off. Decide that Lent is the perfect time to give up said layer of skin. Do NOT get sick. Blog for friends and family.



Filed under Lists

4 responses to “50 Steps to Perfect Mojo Pork (or, Girls Like Lighter Fluid, Too)

  1. Brian

    Way funny. Tell dave I said hi.
    Click to see Dave

  2. Yeah, you and Dave match up well.

  3. Good to know.

    Oh, yeah, and who are you people? Friends of Dave’s I assume…


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