Mixed feelings

I’ve been thinking on and off lately about what excatly it is that I’m called to do in this world.  I’ve also read several blog entries by other people who suddenly seem to know, seem to have seen or had revealed to them what they’re made to do.  Me, on the other hand?  I feel like I’m still wandering.

I feel very visionless right now.  I feel like I can’t quite grasp on to anything, like I have ideas and I see things I could do that are good, but I can’t jump into them and claim them.  They’re closer than anything has ever been before, but they’re still not quite me.  It’s discouraging, as I begin to feel like there are things for everyone else to be doing, and nothing for me.

I know that things are still changing right now, that my life is in transition and has been for quite a while now.  And I know that not everyone gets one vision, one purpose.  But I feel lost right now, like I’m putting my time and energy into things that keep missing me.

On the other hand, I love being married.  I just do.  I love learning to be a wife, and knowing Dave better, and figuring out how we’re going to navigate through the different parts of life together.  When Dave and I are together, or when we’re working on something together, life feels rich and rewarding and so valuable.

I know, this is all how it’s supposed to feel.  We’re newlyweds (I HATE that word!), we’re supposed to find the sacred in the mundane, to be entranced with each other and our new lives.  But, right now, that’s the part of my life that feels the richest and the most rewarding.  It’s the part where I feel like I’m DOING something, like I’m acting “for heaven and the future’s sake.” (If you can tell me where the quote came from, I’ll be really impressed.  If you can tell me where I first ran across it…well, then you have mad mind reading skills, man, or we read the same books as children.)

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1 Comment

Filed under My Days

One response to “Mixed feelings

  1. For what it’s worth, wonderful as the first few months of marriage were, they were deeply unsettling, sometimes unsettlingly unsettling, if that makes sense. Nothing felt quite right. It worried me.

    It got better. Then it got lots, lots better. Now it feels exactly like home.

    So, anyway, I guess what I’m saying is that, wonderful as marriage is, don’t underestimate how much being a newlywed can weird you out.

    peace of Christ to you,
    Jessica

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