If you can’t tell, I’m giving up on the series on evangelism and formation. I think it’s important, but my thought aren’t formed-enough on it, yet, to be able to do it justice. It’s simmering around back there, but it’s not yet ready to eat.
What I am thinking a lot about his this–I am only human. And God? He knows, more so than I do myself, what that means about me. He knows my limitations and my weaknesses, he knows what I’ll be able to do if I push myself and what I’ll never be able to do no matter how hard I try.
That used to frustrate me, but lately it’s been comforting.
He knows that I’ve been busy and stressed and growing a lot on the inside, and that that means I can’t connect as well with him and, sometimes, with other people. And he covers for that. In all of this, I’ve been able to be present as a spiritual director when I’ve depended on him. I’ve been able to walk with Dave through the first months of our marriage and some pretty stressful things that have happened (and are still not settled).
I can’t help but wonder how the world would change if we only expected ourselves to be human. I’m really talking to people like me now–those of us who push ourselves, who see what perfect could be and try to get as close to it as possible. I think there’s an opposite way to be, and that has it’s own traps and sins, but I haven’t walked there and so I don’t want to speak for it right now.
If I only expected myself to be human, then I wouldn’t expect myself to be able to give to all the people I want to give to this week (it’s graduation time and many of my friends are walking and moving on). If I only expected myself to be human, then I wouldn’t kick myself when I don’t make us dinner because I’m too tired again. If I only expected myself to be human, I would not feel so much anxiety about my life, and could relax back into the hands of God knowing that he would cover what I cannot.
And what if we let the people around us be human, or even encouraged them to be so?
What if we could really let it go when they don’t do the dishes, or when they forget to meet us, or when they break something of ours by accident, because they are also only human? What if we could give them the space they need without getting hurt and pulling away, even when we want more from them, when we know that they can’t give it?
I wonder if the world would be a better place, if we would all find it easier to find God, or if we would lose all sense of responsibility and find ourselves in chaos? I think there’s room to give ourselves and each other space without degenerating, but it might be hard to find the balance.