This desert of mine

It dawned on me yesterday I’m in a desert time. I feel like I’m walking and walking, and it all looks the same. Am I making progress? Going around in circles? Would I be equally as well off standing on my head and touching my toes?

This last couple of weeks, disappointment and grief are crowding in. One job isn’t what I thought it was and may not be hired for anyway. Another one got changed last-minute and definitely isn’t for me. Another disappeared the day after I saw it posted online. My shoulder is keeping me out of the triathlon, and honestly is keeping me from doing a lot of the different types of exercise I really enjoy. Doing more letterpress right now really isn’t feasible, and I didn’t like the class as much as I thought I would. One of my best friends and her husband (who is also a good friend) are moving next week…across the country. A structure that’s been in my life for years is moving, changing, becoming something else or at least looking different than it once did. Friendships feel like the sand, shifting and moving until I’m not always sure what I’m looking at anymore.

Some things are really good. Dave and I grow stronger every day, every week. New people are popping up in different places in my life. I’ve been developing skills and talents and things I’ve been wanting to do for years but haven’t done. I’m writing and painting and taking pictures and just overall investing in me and my own heart.

But I’ve been spending most of my time trying to get out of the desert. I’ve been scouring the internet and any connections I have for a new job. I’ve been thinking about all the different businesses I could start (I know…me? An entrepreneur?). I’ve been trying to just Make It All Stop. And that’s not what being in the desert is about.

So I’m working at being present to my desert. I’m working to focus on what I can do here, what the desert gifts, my gifts of the moment, are, and what I need to wait just a little longer to chase down.

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