In fact, I don’t think it’s great for me anytime.
Headache. Not enough sleep despite trying. Brush fire making the air nasty. Those three are probably connected.
I’d love to start my own artsy business, but I want a life, too. And I’m interested in so much. Photography. Print-making. Gocco. Cards. Stationery. Handbound books and journals. Art prints. Purses and scarves. Acrylic painting. Over the last several months, art, creativity, and making things has blossomed for me. I had thought that door was closed for me, but it’s not. If I was going to be an artist, it was going to have to be in my writing. But that’s not so. Where, oh where, do I start? And to make a living making art? How cool would that be? Sounds too good to be true, but people do it. I’ve found them. All over the internet. Start small, Sarah. But I never do that. I jump in with both feet and whatever air I can snatch, or I don’t jump in at all. But I want to swim.
Hurry up and wait seems to be a theme right now. bam Bam BAM then sit here and twiddle my thumbs. So I twiddle, and try to do something useful in the meantime. And not seethe because I hate being just useful. I hear that many people want to be needed. They want to be useful. Me? I want to be wanted. I want to know that people prefer to have me around even when I’m not useful. It’s hard when I feel tempted to be NOT useful just to see how that goes over. But I’m still useful, because I still need my paycheck. The joys of financial motivation.
There’s so much going on, internally and externally that all of my thoughts feel fragmented. Feel incomplete. I feel like I’m mentally and emotionally marking things to come back to, because there’s too much to see and feel and figure out right now. And there’s always something new. I don’t feel overwhelmed, like I’m drowning in TOO MUCH, just like I’m becoming good at juggling. Is that marketable? Dave and I get to get OUT OF TOWN this weekend, and I’m so thankful. Sorry for all the caps–that’s how the thoughts are right now, even though that bugs me.
Someday I’ll organize all of this, think about it, find the truth. But not today. Tomorrow doesn’t look good either.