There is so very much on my mind and in my heart these days, but I can’t figure out how to share it here. Believe me, I’ve been trying. The things I’ve posted here are true, as far as they go, but they don’t encapsulate where I am now or the journey I’m on.
I feel like my journey is so much bigger than the things I manage to write here. That doesn’t surprise me, but it makes me wonder if I can ever communicate to y’all, in written words, the reality of being me right now.
I’m also struggling between wanting to share and wanting to ponder. I’m a ponder-er by heart. Mary’s treasuring of things in her heart never needed explanation. It has always made sense to me. OF COURSE someone in her situation would ponder those things in her heart. How else would they survive?
I’m good at pondering. I’m good at taking things and turning them around in my mind and my heart until I can see them fully. I’m good and finding their beauty and their pain and learning how to hold them in all of that. I’m good at picking up on the details and coming to understand why they’re important.
I’m not good at sharing about myself. I’m not good at vulnerability or telling who I really am or trusting that people will want to know me. I tend to keep myself to myself, even when I’m trying to share. It’s sad, but it’s safe.
So sharing here has been good. I have been loving the conversations and comments, and I’ve been learning about myself even as I write. I’m enjoying getting to know those of you who I haven’t known before and getting to share with those I’ve known for a while.
It’s just that I feel caution right now about saying much more. I don’t know why, but I do. Am I giving in to the isolator in me? Am I sensing something true and good? I don’t know the answers to those questions.
I do know that things are opening inside of me like they haven’t opened before. Jesus is leading me to new places, places of boldness and decisiveness and action that I haven’t seen before, and that is all really, really good. But I don’t have many more words about it than that.
Maybe I’m in a silent season. Maybe I’m in a season of being ok with who I am even if no one else knows or validates me. Maybe I’m too much “in the middle” to be able to articulate well what I see and hear from where I am.
So I don’t know what’s going on, but I’m still here. My presence is still here even though my words are more distant.