Living Outside the Blog

There is so very much on my mind and in my heart these days, but I can’t figure out how to share it here. Believe me, I’ve been trying. The things I’ve posted here are true, as far as they go, but they don’t encapsulate where I am now or the journey I’m on.

I feel like my journey is so much bigger than the things I manage to write here. That doesn’t surprise me, but it makes me wonder if I can ever communicate to y’all, in written words, the reality of being me right now.

I’m also struggling between wanting to share and wanting to ponder. I’m a ponder-er by heart. Mary’s treasuring of things in her heart never needed explanation. It has always made sense to me. OF COURSE someone in her situation would ponder those things in her heart. How else would they survive?

I’m good at pondering. I’m good at taking things and turning them around in my mind and my heart until I can see them fully. I’m good and finding their beauty and their pain and learning how to hold them in all of that. I’m good at picking up on the details and coming to understand why they’re important.
I’m not good at sharing about myself. I’m not good at vulnerability or telling who I really am or trusting that people will want to know me. I tend to keep myself to myself, even when I’m trying to share. It’s sad, but it’s safe.

So sharing here has been good. I have been loving the conversations and comments, and I’ve been learning about myself even as I write. I’m enjoying getting to know those of you who I haven’t known before and getting to share with those I’ve known for a while.

It’s just that I feel caution right now about saying much more. I don’t know why, but I do. Am I giving in to the isolator in me? Am I sensing something true and good? I don’t know the answers to those questions.

I do know that things are opening inside of me like they haven’t opened before. Jesus is leading me to new places, places of boldness and decisiveness and action that I haven’t seen before, and that is all really, really good. But I don’t have many more words about it than that.

Maybe I’m in a silent season. Maybe I’m in a season of being ok with who I am even if no one else knows or validates me. Maybe I’m too much “in the middle” to be able to articulate well what I see and hear from where I am.

So I don’t know what’s going on, but I’m still here. My presence is still here even though my words are more distant.

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7 Comments

Filed under Becoming

7 responses to “Living Outside the Blog

  1. I love that you shared this with us. I really respect you for owning the way that you feel and being willing to hold it to yourself because that is what feels most right for you. I truly love receiving your words and feel like I could read them forever (which is why I really hope published books are in your future!), but I love even more your heart and your spirit and your mind being taken care of and exactly where they need to be.

  2. That realization is letting you in on something important Sarah. All the words in the world will never be able to capture your experience or your identity. Maybe this is the beginning of a reckoning of your great dignity and the immense poverty of words to approach it. I think writers always struggle with this. I’m rejoicing that you have come here and that you are declaring that you are more than what we encounter when we visit this place.

  3. dear sarah. i think i understand where you’re at. i struggle with similar things, i think … wanting to be transparent, but being unable to communicate the mysteries unfolding within & around you. after my week with christianne, i have to say i’m experiencing that a lot. i definitely get the whole “pondering in the heart” thing.

    you own your experience & if i may be so bold, i just want to affirm that it is your right to share or withhold what you will until it’s the right time. us writers tend to become better discoverers of ourselves when we write, but there’s no law that says you have to put it out there. it may eventually manifest itself in a way that’s more subtle & implicit than bold & direct.

    incidentally, i’m hoping for a book too. maybe the four of us could publish our own stuff & collaborate on a project, too. ;o) spiritual journeys and whatnot. i like it. :o)

    blessings, sister.
    kirsten

  4. Christianne–thanks so much for your deeply kind words. It’s still so hard, sometimes, for me to not let myself get lost. Thank you for seeing me and loving what you see.

    Terri–you’re totally right. Part of writing is fighting with the words, wrangling them until they give the best possible picture we can get from them. But part of it is also letting go, is acknowledging that we’re more than our words. That’s actually a cause to rejoice, now that I think about it…I’m glad I’m more than my words.

    Kirsten–thank you for affirming my ‘right to share or withhold.’ I’ve become so afraid of erring on the side of NOT sharing that I forget that, sometimes, that’s right, or right for a while.

    I love Love LOVE the idea of a book. It’s been knocking around in my head for a while now, but has felt like it’s almost more than I can dare to dream. But you, my friends, dream big, and you move me to do the same. Yay for us!

  5. I know what you mean by the book thing. I’d love it but I’m afraid to dream about it. I wouldn’t know where to begin. I wouldn’t know how to fit it into a sane life right now. I’m kind of afraid that it would suck. (Just being real.) Anyway, it’s fun to be around other people with the same hopes and fears.

  6. Sarah, just wanted to stop by and say that your line of “thank you for seeing me and loving what you see” has stayed in my mind since I read it yesterday or the day before. And to that, I want to say YES! I do love what I see when I see you. So glad to have stumbled across paths with you and to have made a good friend in you. It’s one I’ve come to treasure!

  7. Me too. Me, definately, too.

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